Getting up at 8:00am is not a good way to start a Sunday, especially when sleep time for the previous night totalled about 3 hours, however there was an RA away trip on so it had to be done.

The faithfuls gathered at Kingston for a 9:00am departure, and in a new RA record, the first bus was on the road 3 minutes early. The other bus had to wait for the Northsiders who were being questioned at the border into the Southside…

Bus 1, the wet bus, was making surprisingly good time, and there was plenty of hearty banter from the front of the bus on the Raiders players and management. Those in the back were trying to pry as much info as we could out of Dugan’s grandma, but she was as tight lipped as Dugan’s defence and didn’t give up anything. KW and I began reminiscing on previous RA adventures, giving the newbies a taste of what can happen when you get on it with the RA!

The compulsory Sutton Forrest Maccas stop allowed the 2nd bus to finally catch up, and after a quick breakfast off the Maccas lunch menu (missed brekky by 5 mins – devo) we were on the road again. We had remembered to put the beers on ice, and keep them on our bus, so all was good. After a bit more debating, which included KW being accosted for not knowing when the next Raiders board meeting was on, the newspaper quizzes came out to play. Being the only one who could read at the back of the bus I was designated quiz master, while the others prepared themselves for questions. Unfortunately for KW, Bindi Irwin was not the answer to any question, and neither was John Newcombe in the Wimbledon trivia. Wayno was dominating everything, with Greg chipping in quietly from the corner every now and then.

Once ‘who wants to be a millionaire’ was over, it was confirmed that beer o’clock had been reached, and the back of the bus duly cracked a few. The 2nd bus, which at this point was travelling closely behind, was not impressed by this fact, as they only had water on board. Needless to say we did our best to show them what they were missing.

Upon arrival at our destination, we parked the buses at the gate, and headed into the worst ground in the league. Seiffert Oval has better seats than disLeichhardt, and that is saying something. Wooden planks greeted those with seating tickets, while those of us with GA at least had some grass for cushioning. The RA congregated on the hill in front of the portable big screen, and cheered on the Toyota Cup boys to a resounding victory over the competition leaders. With first grade kick off fast approaching we realised we had no confetti, enter Jed, the newspaper tearing champion of the RA. He had us 3 bags of confetti in no time, which we spread accordingly over the whole hill as the Raiders ran out. Thanks for stripping, Jed.

No need to go over the game, the Raiders did their best to make us think we were in for a win then hit the showers 5 minutes early. After 75 minutes of silence, Tigpies fans actually started cheering and tried to start up some chant about being a long way back to Canberra. The fact that we wanted to return to civilisation, where the toilets actually flush and dentists exist meant the chant didn’t last too long!

We wandered (crutched) back out to the bus, where KW was given the job of telling the non drinkers they were in the mini van for the way home. None were too disappointed about it, I think it was something to do with the fact that wouldn’t have to stop 15 times for pee breaks on the way.

We boarded the bus, cracked a beer, and went nowhere. Naturally we were sitting ducks for the attentions of passing mouthy, douchebag Tigpies fans with one notable twat unable to do anything other than sing ‘We are the Champions’ at us. The irony here is that this tool was wearing a wallabies jersey and had a haircut from 1993, which looked incredibly shit and we told him so. This jerk probably should have borrowed a hat from the Fat Controller – who was a good sport as he stood there with a ridiculous grin on his face while we proceeded to take the piss out of him and his stupid looking hat. The traffic out of the ground was terrible, but we were parked behind the Raiders bus so managed to give all the boys a cheer as they were walking to it. Massive ups to T Thommo and Monas who stopped and had chat, and also JayCar for giving me his sandwich. The Orr’s and I shared it and man was it a good sandwich – double ham!

After a pee break before we even left the ground, we were off, slowly. We made it about half an hour down the road before another pee stop was ordered. We stopped at a servo in Bankstown that doubled as a kebab store, which did some mean hot chips. As we were about to leave we noticed 2 were missing, only to see Spewing Sam and Slippery running back across the road with some Sunny Vale and Fruity Lexia casks. Trouble was brewing… or spewing…

Attempts were made to get some songs happening, however a mechanical failure with the ipod player meant that there was no backing music, and so every song lasted about 2 lines. The only songs that were finished the entire trip were the Green Machine, Queanbeyan High and Tuggeranong Hawks victory songs. The drinking song also made an appearance, and Spewing Sam, as his new name suggests, was soon decorating the outside of the bus with the Sunny Vale. The RA bus was stopped for its second ever spew stop (the first was on the Dragons away, and that was for Spewing Sam’s brother), and Sam was given a red card for his antics. Liam then decided it was a good time to bring out the Vuvuzela’s and for the rest of the trip the bus sounded like a South African soccer stadium.

Sam assumed the foetal position and passed out, was decorated in Raiders banners, then needed another spew. We stopped at a rest stop with actual toilets which was a nice change compared to the side of the road, next to a sheer rock-face where we has previously stopped. Also handy for someone on crutches, and females in general, as squatting proves difficult….

^Sam - Always spews on the left side of the bus!

We made it to Sutton Forrest Macca’s, where there were no cheeseburger challenges because it is after all, a family restaurant. And also because Marko wasn’t there. Some more chundering and we were ready to go. By this time it was about 9:00pm, there was no booze left and people were turning into major pests (KW). Sleeping was out of the question, as the Vuvuzela’s were out in force, as well as Slippery’s camera which has about a million flashes.

We finally made it back to Canberra about 10:30pm, an hour after the other bus, and everyone headed home with ringing ears and no voice.

Hope to see you all in Bay 72 this coming Monday, when the Raiders take on the Bulldogs at Fortress (?) Bruce.

GO RAIDERS!

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LOSE Stadium Tour – 2010 Edition, By Wenty Spook

The start of my day was pretty disgusting. On my way to the Railway Station, a fellow passenger was rather hung over and this necessitated an emergency stop so she could have a yack in the bushes outside the swanky new apartments on the Kingston Foreshore. Cop that, yuppies! And so began a day where the theme of spewing would be recurrent. My chucky friend didn’t make it onto the bus.

A full Lyneham High School bus left Kingston at 9:30am ready to head to Wollongong to watch the Dragons take on their bogey team, The Mighty Canberra Raiders. With only four regular Raiders Army members on board it was a fairly tame trip up. Highlights of the journey included watching RA Stalwart, KW’s face darken as he read a piece of fiction, written by Jessica Wrong, that had been published in that morning’s edition of the Canberra Times. I can’t even say that KW had been misquoted, because to be misquoted you actually need to provide a quote or two. The accompanying picture was also rather horrific and probably gave non-Raiders loving readers the impression that Raiders fans are all retarded nuffies.

After a stop at Sutton Forrest Macca’s the first Scrabble match of the season took place and it was Nick (Vandal) versus Marko versus Loz, who vowed to destroy the other two as she was a female and therefore had a much larger vocabulary than both of the lads. The challenge was made in the knowledge that Nick lived in Queanbeyan and probably didn’t know how to spell properly and Marko is from Serbia and only has a basic grasp of the English language. She was wrong. Vandal absolutely spanked the pair of them. We don’t know how he did it, but he kept pulling out with thousand point words such as ‘affy’, ‘gu’ and ‘li’ which were accepted as words by Marko’s (probably Serbian) phone. We know for a fact that Nick is a cheat and that’s why he’s moving to Melbourne.

This was my first ever trip to the ‘Gong and as we rolled into town my first impressions were ‘This is Campbelltown by the sea’. Luckily the closer into town we got, the more things improved. As we pulled up across from the Entertainment Centre we were promptly told that we were not allowed to park our bus in the bus parking area and that the bus had to be moved to the Lighthouse, thus continuing the RA’s strong association with Lighthouses. After bumping into Ness and James, who’d appeared from behind some bushes, we made our way to the Five Islands Brewery where we were met by a sizeable contingent of the Northern RA faithful and Michael. It was still early so Pooley’s most recently digested meal remained safely in his stomach (the accepted alternative location of Pooley’s stomach contents is on Knights fans. See ‘Marc Pooley – More Beer Than Man’), which was fortunate for Kaity as she had already been puked on by another RA member in the previous 12 hours. Suffice to say if she didn’t much like Coldplay before, she definitely wasn’t a fan now. Toby also showed up despite having PMS.

After the downing of several bevvies the RA made their way into LOSE stadium in dribs and drabs. While the setting of the ground is picturesque, it is in need of the upgrade it’s about to get. Hopefully the proprietors update their attitudes too. Apparently if you have GA tickets this obviously means that you are poor and of a lower social standing than those in the stands and therefore cannot be trusted drinking full strength beer. Not only that, Loz was absolutely outraged to discover this was probably the only ground in the NRL that didn’t sell goon, well not to the bogans on the hill anyway.

As the match started it became apparent early on that it was going to be a decent game. Campese has returned to form and Thommo is playing for a contract. The Raiders completed the first half leading 8 – 6. I missed the half time entertainment, but I think it may have been Kristina Keneally. The second half begins and it’s better than the first half with three tries being scored by the Mighty Green in a space of six minutes, pretty much putting the Dragons to the sword – I’ve never understood why the ‘St George’ team would have a Dragon as a mascot, didn’t St George slay the Dragon? Isn’t that like shooting yourself in the foot? – A late consolation try to the Steelers (that’s better!) made the score 22 – 14, but it wasn’t enough to save them and the Mighty Raiders walked away with their 3rd (OMG 3RD!!!) away win for the season and their first free-to-air victory since… I have NFI…

There had been a fair bit of wank in the Sydney media about how the Steelers had a depleted team due to their stars being called away on State of Origin duty. Diddums. Well done to them for ignoring the fact that our boys have been playing with an under-strength team for most of the season due to injuries AND we had our own rep players out for Origin too.

At the end of the match, the Raiders made their way to the hill to thank the fans and then the crowd slowly dispersed at the behest of the LOSE stadium security jerks, but not before we made a Brooke Burrito followed by a round of Stacks-On. We rejoined our bus mates as we waited for the bus and got better acquainted with our fellow travellers while sticking it to as many Steelers fans as we could.

The trip from Wollongong to Sutton Forest was uneventful, apart from marvelling at Vandal’s ability to be able to spot a BWS sign from 5 kms away, but that was all about to change once we hit Maccas. In the past, we always seem make it to Maccas in time to see the Toyota Cup team clean out the restaurant and once were privileged enough to witness Steve Naughton put away 5 cheeseburgers in one sitting (see ‘Run Rabbit, Run Tour – 2009). The following away game saw Marko try to better this by eating SIX cheeseburgers – he succeeded. We didn’t get there in time to see the Toyota Cup boys this time, but word of Marko’s amazing exploits had landed on the ears of the lads in the backseat and one hero decided to give it a crack himself. Our newest friend joined the RA4 armed with six cheeseburgers, and as he fortuitously claimed that he was no stranger to a good vom, everyone gathered around to watch the unfolding spectacle. He got off to a good start by downing the first cheeseburger in a matter of seconds, a second burger joined the first in equally quick succession and just as he takes a bite out of the 3rd burger things went pear shaped. Loz, Marko and Nick were 1/2 of way through (unsuccessfully) finishing a family box when our man turned green and had to make a bee-line for the gents, leaving the remaining burgers fair game to the circling vultures – AKA his mates, who had to be prompted to go and make sure he was OK. And the best part is we’ve got it on video. But I do think if our new anti-hero really wanted to be a serious contender he should have bought seven cheeseburgers… and a bucket…

The remainder of the trip saw Marko, Nick, KW and Loz move to the back of the bus and Pukey McSpew move closer to the door because the windows (when they can be opened) won’t open wide enough to stick your head out for a yack. And for the first time that any of us can recall we had to pull the bus over for a ralph-stop. At least P. McS. managed to set one precedent. Congrats.
So far the LOSE Stadium tour has been the away trip of the 2010 season and I’d like to thank our new friends, Ryan, Sam and Liam for help making the trip more entertaining than we could have ever foreseen and for providing Loz with the goon she missed out on at the stadium. Thanks also goes to Jamie for getting into the singalong and providing some fresh tunes. And last but not least thanks to Jamie’s mum, the Collins 3 and Bernie for being good sports for putting up with our shite singing.

Next up, the boys take on the Titans at Bruce. I’ll see you there! But you won’t see me… SssspPPPppooooOOoooKKkkyyyyy

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Just wanted to let you know that there will be a limited number of shirts for sale this Saturday night, both at the Captain Cook Hotel before the game and during the match at the SFS. We will have all sizes both men and womens. But there will be very limited numbers. So if you would like to be one of the first to own the new RA shirts for 2010 please approach either myself or Boing (we will both be wearing RA hoodies so will be easy to spot) and we will sell you one. The price is $35 each. If you are certain you want one please let me know either here or via the RA facebook page and tell me the size you’re after so I can hold one for you so you don’t miss out. This is a strictly limited run.

If you do miss out or can’t make it on saturday, don’t fret as they will soon be made available online (as well as the new hoodies!) And what I don’t sell on saturday I will have for sale at the Rabbitohs game next week.

Cheers, and remember, BELIEVE!

Azz

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Women’s sizes also available!

For details ask one of the lovely RA members modelling them at the game on Monday night.

Pricing and how to buy will be announced soon so stay tuned…

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Click here to listen!

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BELIEVE

Aaron

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The very last Raiders Army away trip of the year started at the thriving metropolis of Murrumbateman. Kaitlyn did a great job taking the first driving shift and of course got to Sutton Forest Macca’s in time for Breakfast, easy to see she takes after her Mum in the driving stakes.

From here the trip to Ness’ house was pretty uneventful, but noted that the only time we’re quiet is when we’re eating, so we drove along to the many CD’s in the car. Mostly Top 40, techno, rap and R&B. Upon arrival in Western Sydney Ness was ready and eager to hit the road so after a quick change of vehicles and squashing the bags and the banner in the boot, the now massive Army of 3 were on their way. We had a great run on the M7 and before we knew it, we were at the next scheduled pick up point, collecting Paul at the end of the freeway outside Newy.

Not far into this leg of the trip, we became aware that Ness’s car obviously had a duel fuel function, It seemed to be running on Gas at various points. Not quite sure if it was the Gas or just mischievousness, but it was decided we’d have a bit of fun with the RA banner and it graced the “Big Banana” and the “Giant Prawn”.

With a quick change of drivers, Vicky was now at the wheel… we’d already made great time, thanks to Ness’s excellent ability to make up huge amounts of time between speed cameras. It was on this leg of the journey that Kaitlyn declared how the tunnels we were driving through looked like nostrils and questioned why the car then proceeded to dance in time to the music on the way out?? The answer was “Dunno – must have got a bit of boogie in it?” Yes there were several tunnels and the little blue booger Yaris danced into the night.

Windows came down on the way past the Sugar Cane Factory AKA “Cloud Factory” according to Vicky and the overpowering sweet smell of sugar was breathed in.

The last leg of the journey from the Gold Coast to our resting place for 2 nights of Mt Tamborine was hilarious. With Paul now at the wheel the trip up this never ending road going up and up and up the mountain was sung to the tune of “She’ll be coming round the mountain”… getting directions all the way from Vicky’s mate Sue who was describing cars coming in the opposite direction and everyone eagerly awaited the sight of a “Yellow F@*KED if I Know”.

Our accommodation was shared with 8 border collie puppies, they were absolutely gorgeous and everyone quickly had a favourite and we were all ready to bring one home each, well except maybe Paul. For some reason the Pups had taken a liking to his bed and seemed to use it as their toilet.

The next day was spent relaxing in the morning at Surfers, taking in the sights and seeing some ace tail, eating fish and chips and downing a cold beer at the Irish Pub overlooking the beach. The afternoon was a bit of a change of pace when we decided to go to Dreamworld.

It was just one of those days where your face and stomach ache from laughing. The day was finished off beautifully with an excellent feed at the “Titanium Bar” home of the Titans. It was noted that Vicky was proudly wearing a Raiders jacket and managed to get a few smiles and gestures from the locals. Ness enjoyed her “Zillman Sunset” cockatil and bravely cheered for the opposition against the Titans that night. Very cheeky.

Finally Sunday morning came, we said our goodbyes to the puppies and we are on our way to Brisbane. Upon arrival we quickly located our accommodation and wandered off around the streets and enjoyed more beer at a local watering hole.

Before too long it was time to head to the stadium, we made ourselves all green and Kaitlyn and Ness decided they would be the Raiders extra players wearing their footy shorts. But first we stopped off at the local Caxton Hotel for a few more drinks and to meet some more Raiders faithful. The RA Banner was proudly draped out the windows for a few photos.

Upon arrival at Suncorp we settled into our seats in the away fans section and noticed that the area had quite a few seats taken up by Bronco’s supporters. This was soon forgotten by Kaitlyn’s excitement that they sold Red Rooster at the stadium! So after grabbing some food and more beverages, we noticed that we now had started to build up on what ended up an excellent turn out of Raiders supporters at the game.

The whistle for Toyota Cup time on was blown and 3 very vocal females burst into the “My garden shed” chant just for good measure. This little RA was in fine voice the entire night throughout both games and often had the crowd around us in stitches. One Broncos supporter kept telling us to be quiet and complained about our Raiders chants but quickly sat down after being pointed at and copping the “Sit down – shut up” chant and realised that she was in fact sitting in a sea of green, in the Away supporters area. I think this too, may have been the one and only time you will see the Raiders Army dancing – excellent version of the sprinkler much to the joy of other supporters who were clapping and cheering for more.

Sadly we did not end our season with a win in either Toyota Cup or First Grade but our boys went out in style. Hey, at least we scored points and didn’t get flogged 56 to nil. So we held the Banner high and proudly cheered until the end and as the team made its way over to thank us for attending, we all clapped our boys in green. It was at this stage that several groups of people, both supporters and non-supporters, came and congratulated us on our sportsmanship and expressed what a great job the little army did that night. Actually one of these guys proudly said he was from Queanbeyan and we wondered if he was KW’s cousin?? It was rewarding to know that we did good.

And so began the arduous journey of trying to find a cab amongst the bad mouthing Broncos supporters who proceeded to taunt us as we walked along we however followed their taunts with shouts of “56 to nil”…. luckily for Vicky’s whistling ability and the fact that Ness and Kaitlyn were wearing skimpy footy shorts, a cab driver did a U turn ignoring the Bronco hoards to come give us a ride back to the motel, we left the complaining Broncos supporters with the “NaNa Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” Chant as we drove off..

We arrived back at our Motel and continued to party on into the night with Management having to tell us to tone it down only once…

The trip home began about 10am the next day. Sadly the further south we travelled the colder and wetter it got, but Ness’s little blue booger Yaris was still running on Gas firing from all cylinders and we made excellent time…. There was a sweet smell of Dolce & Gabbana (We wish).

There was a lot of chatting and questioning and healthy discussion on the trip home and through Taree we spotted a sign outside a church saying “The Answer is Jesus” so from then on everything we asked got answered with “JESUS” ie: Who played Hooker yesterday? … JESUS!! That one sign was better then all 10 of the “Making Love, Do it Longer” signs that we saw on the way up.

In closing, the Raiders future is very bright, we have a young side that have gained so much experience this season and next year will be something to look forward to…. We can’t wait. And we can’t wait for the first away trip next year, perhaps it could be for one of the trial games.

As a final note I think as supporters we need to keep faith, even though we may be losing players we highly consider, we still have excellent and special talent at the Raiders in both grades and under Andrew McFadden and Dave Furner who bleed green we can only excel.

So everyone Take care and enjoy the break over the off-season. Stay safe and “BELIEVE”

xoxox

Vicky, Kaitlyn & Ness

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After a traditional Raiders Army communication break down, we got in touch with “The Ferrari” who informed us he was right around the corner.
So for a record 2nd time in one season, a Raiders Army away trip departed within 10 minutes of it’s scheduled time, this record is not expected to be broken in 2010.

Just as we got out of Lyneham, there were already indications that an unnamed traveller was feeling quite hungry. At this point it became very clear that we would be stopping before the Raiders Army official away trip restaurant at Sutton Forest, this boycott may or may have not done damage to our already fragile relationship with this stakeholder..

An uneventful first hour had passed when we decided to stop over at the only McDonalds in Australia that Todd Carney cannot legally enter. Any hope of a quick lunch were dashed when it became quite clear that half the local population had also decided a Macca’s lunch was an ace idea.

After grabbing a no so quick bite, or in Kaitlyn’s case a McSmorgasbord, we were off. The next few minutes flew by as we listened to Loz lecturing Kaitlyn that if she kept up the Maccas addiction she would have to “wash herself with a rag on a stick”, (we had no idea at the time, but this would become the catch phrase of the night)

The trip needed some music, fortunately I had brought along a C.D which contained musical greats like Rick Astley and Shannon Noll just to name a few. Unfortunately I didn’t seem to format the CD correctly. I think that shows the extent of my I.T skills, I don’t know whether it’s hilarious or a massive concern that I am one of the people that run this website.

After a brief tour of the beautiful Lakemba, we arrive at the Brewery at about 3:30pm to meet the four other Raiders fans who were in agreeance that having some pre match drinks four hours before kick off was a logical idea. Why we left at 12pm for a 7:30pm match I will never know, even the Toyota cup didn’t start until 5:30.

Just after 4pm the drink prices seemed to shift to event day mode. I guess the dogs vs Raiders at the Olympic stadium is something that people circle on their calendars. At 5pm I rush to the ticket office and couldn’t believe my luck when I ended up being the 3rd person in line. No way was I missing out on my ticket to this epic blockbuster. As I farewell some fans through gate B; which has more security than attending fans, I head back to the brewery to see if the Raiders fans count had cracked the double digits yet.

After a couple more XXXX beers at the reasonable price of $5, all 9 of us decide it is time to go into the stadium. Just before we walk into our away fans section we notice that they have a surfboard ride set up. While this was probably more aimed at the kids in the ground, we would eventually end up visiting this attraction later in the night.

After grabbing some Tooheys and some hot chips which tasted like they had been sitting on the counter since Stadium Australia first opened, we headed down to our supporters bay which had a reasonable turn out considering our ladder position. Celebrity Raiders fan and season 2 winner of the biggest loser Sam even joined in to become part of the massive sea of green.

Just before kick off we are greeted with a posse of teenagers who think they are hard core because they are sitting in the away supporters area instead of the other 68,000 empty seats. . Anyway that’s not to worry, if this is how they get their thrills in Western Sydney then who am I to judge.

The whistle for time on is blown and 3 Tackles in an executive decision is made that we should start up the old “My garden shed Chant”. Thankfully the Raiders faithful all decided to get involved which saved me looking like a complete clown for starting a chant that nobody else was involved in.. I think some locals around us were stunned due to the extreme irony of the song.

The RA were in fine voice throughout the first half and at 15-10 we were more than in the match. Another positive sign was that security seemed to have backed down on earlier attempts to get us to sit down due to the complaints from our Bulldogs supporting friends. Although it did seem that the small group was fortunate to be able to move up in one of the 35 empty rows behind us, I guess they secretly loved the Raiders too much to move away from our bay.

Sadly one of our new friends, his night was cut short when he was ejected from the stadium for under age drinking. After giving him a cheerio song it was off to attempt the surfing challenge. I think the operators of the ride could work out that we came from a land locked town by the fact our Canberra contingent couldn’t manage to crack 5 seconds on the board, between us.

The 2nd half was an interesting one, at 21-10 down and Monaghan off the field we knew it was going to be a tough ask. How ever we continued to believe and did out best to try create some atmosphere in that soulless stadium. We weren’t big on numbers, but we had plenty of heart and gave it out all, and to the boys credit they kept fighting and pulled the margin back to 21-16. This only lifted the spirits in bay 104-1 and a try in the corner gave Terry Campese a chance to put us in front, unfortunately the kick waved away and a penalty goal to the dogs on full time sealed our fate.

However we were still very proud of our boys. We have a very young side that is getting valuable first grade experience and gelling as a team. Keep the faith people, we have a very special group of players at our club right now. Dave Furner is also a man that is fully committed to the Raiders, combine these two and I think we have a winning formula.

So we say good our goodbyes and make the trek to the car, some requiring assistance. At this point of time we just want to get out of there but unfortunately we are stuck in grid lock with some Fat Pizza rejected cast members right behind us constantly blasting their horn and yelling abuse. Thankfully we were eventually on the highway and they were off to look cool in the car park of a local McDonalds.

Going out of Sydney we noticed a few fire trucks that were in a hurry to get to a massive factory fire in the distance. It did cross our minds that the same fine citizens we encountered only minutes earlier were possibly involved in this. The 10pm bulletins confirmed our suspicions when it was revealed that the factory was in fact a car yard, no wonder they were in a hurry, they had a massive insurance job to pull off. With with the tunes from Triple M now blazing we were approaching Sutton forest in good time..

Just after an emergency rest stop, we faced an ethical dilemma of whether or not to pick up a hitch hiker. Much to Kaitlyn’s disappointment we drove past him. I’m sure it would have been fine though, after all there is nothing suspicious about a bloke hitch hiking about 20 minutes outside Sutton forest at 1145pm on a Saturday night, it is possible that our hitch hiker could have been the Raiders Army‘s version of Russel Coigt KW looking for a ride back to Q-Town. (btw KW’s All Aussie Adventures will be available on DVD for $24.95 just before Christmas)

We arrived at Macca’s to find the freakish tradition of arriving just after the Toyota cup team had continued. I really don’t know how we end up running into them at every away trip. Maybe they sit in the car park and wait until we arrive just to take the piss. After the entire squad is fed, we eventually make it to the counter and put our orders in. Kaitlyn decided to take Loz’s earlier advice on the Macca’s and only order 20 nuggets and 2 cheeseburgers.

While waiting for our food a random Raiders fan decided it was a good idea to attempt to play some music using buttons of the eftpos system, you really do see a lot of strange things when out in the middle of nowhere..

Once we were on the road again it was somehow decided it was good idea to phone up random people just to say a certain Simpson’s quote, again we apologise if anyone received random voicemails at approximately 1230am. After a short debate about whether a tree is a vegetable and whether or not it looks like Broccoli we were past Goulburn.

We decided against stopping off for some $2 horse manure and arrived back in Canberra just after 1am, it had been quite a long day and I think everyone was glad to be back home.

Sadly this it is for our Sydney trips this season, there will be a great turn out of Raiders fans in Brisbane but I can’t see many making the trek to New Zealand.
I have heard rumours that Kaitlyn and Loz are attempting to paddle there using only a raft and a rag on a stick, if that eventuates a very interesting review will be sure to come up .

On Saturday night we take on the Dragons at home base, I encourage all fans to get out there and support our boys against the current competition favourites. There will be a big turnout of the (un)faithful Dragons Army so it is important we also turn out in numbers.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the season.

Believe

-Marko.

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OK, I’m not going to bore you with stories about the atmosphere on the hill, the fact the Raiders wasted more opportunities than Greg Norman, or my sneaking suspicions that Newcastle fans are all related to each other and have two heads. You’re here to read about Marc Pooley, a man who went from being ‘that balding bloke who went bananas at the Souths game’ to a legend in the space of three hours and 37 standard drinks.
Pooley started drinking early, and was already well on the road to being smashed when he jumped on the train to Wyong at around four o’clock. As soon as we pulled out of the station he pulled out a tub of vodka jelly – which was more vodka than jelly, I can tell you – and started downing it. By the time we hit Broadmeadow he was stumbling all over the place like Michael J. Fox, but he was just getting started.
We made it to Wests Leagues and Pooley tucked into a couple beers. Wait, scratch that, he didn’t tuck in as much as he poured them down his throat as if his stomach was on fire. Deadset, he’d polished off two schooners before I’d made it a third of the way through my first and he wasted no time heading back to the bar for more. It was then that we sensed something very, very special was going on. Not even the fact that Mohawk was Mohawk-less could take away from the magic.
We made it to the ground with about 20 seconds to spare, and Pooley disappeared to the bar. He staggered back to the hill where Sik Nik (it probably wasn’t him, but let’s say it was) started begging him to skoll three beers. He did it, then headed back to the bar for more. The bar staff already knew him by name and the game had only just kicked off!
After that the jelly made another appearance, and it was around this time that Quentin (Kenihan, not Pongia) turned up to watch the game. You’ll remember him as the wheelchair-bound larrikin who stole our hearts because he’s a midget in a wheelchair.
Anyway, trust Pooley to accidentally spill a beer all over Quentin, forcing the poor bastard to scoot off into the distance.

Perhaps overcome with disappointment after his idol deserted him – or due to the fact he’d been stealing wine off every girl in the vicinity – Pooley then fell down the hill, gathering momentum like a snowball and sending friends and foes alike scuttling out of his way. Think of that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark with the boulder, but replace the rock with Pooley and Indy with a toddler in a Knights jersey, and you’ve got some idea of how terrifyingly hilarious the whole thing was.
But nothing – and I mean nothing – can prepare you for what happened next. As far as we were concerned, Pooley just vanished into thin air after that. We called his phone, but he didn’t answer. We started chanting his name, but he didn’t come back. The second half started and the Raiders were still losing, and the place was dry and barren without our lantern of hope. The game finished and we walked out with our heads hung low and no Pooley.
It wasn’t until days later that we learnt the full, horrific tale, and it was so batshit insane that a donkey with a fish taped to its head would look normal in comparison.
During the half-time break Pooley – who by this point was more beer than man – vomited on an opposition fan. Let me say that again: MARC POOLEY PARKED A TIGER ON A NEWCASTLE SUPPORTER.
Tragically I don’t have a photo of Marc chundering, so you’ll have to make do with this picture I found after a brief Google search. Please note that it looks almost exactly like Pooley.
Anyway, the fans reportedly sprinted away to clean the chunks of carrot and globules of jelly off themselves, only to be replaced by a gang of rent-a-cops intent on turfing our hero out of the ground. But he didn’t go quietly, managing to escape the baton-carrying boofheads for nearly half an hour before being dragged out and threatened with a lifetime ban. From Newcastle. Which is like being banned from having a broken bottle shoved up your blurter.
As the rest of the Army (there was a good turnout… did I mention we were at a football game?) filed out of the ground after the final whistle, Pooley was being dragged into his friends’ car, but he hadn’t put on enough of a performance yet. He kept on puking everywhere like that chick out of The Exorcist, so they dumped him at the nearest train station and wished him luck in not being killed on the way home. Thankfully, he made it home in one piece, which means he’ll be able to disgrace himself at plenty more games to come.
All in all, I haven’t had a night that memorable since Chad from Playing it Straight cracked onto me, and I can’t see how anyone will be able to top ‘King’ Marc Pooley’s inspirational performance. Not even if Butters chows down on another tub of butter.

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Well, it has been a number of years, but the most infamous RA reviewer of them all has returned. I have been on a sabbatical for the past few years, but have been tempted out of retirement by KW.

The day started as most RA trips do, standing around the frozen tundra (Kingston Railway Station) at 8am, trying your best to avoid the inevitable quota of pest and menace opposition supporters that grace us. In this case, there was one particular individual who fit this category. RAGE (Raiders Army Gold Elite) quickly branded him Wonky Eye Watmough. Luckily for us, WEW was having a hard time figuring out the mechanics of the sweet machine inside the station. This incidentally had striking similarities to Homer getting his hand stuck in the vending machine. Luckily for him, he realised if you let go of the can, your hand is released WEW boarded the bus shortly after.

And we were away! You could smell the optimism that was permeating throughout the bus! That was until some cheeky little struggle and grunt that it would be nice to delivered a machine gun fart buffet (this is defined as a rapid succession of ballistic farts that hang around for an extended period, and may be revisited for another helping due to the ongoing stench).

I think this may have starved oxygen to the brain of the driver, who I think was wearing a t-shirt with the saying I am the Stig on it (that old chestnut), in addition to a cap with Captain emblazoned on it. He was only missing a bbq apron with Worlds best Dad on it. While it was good to say the driver had a high opinion of himself, and thought he may be able to smoke it through hammerhead and gambon at 100mph (see Top Gear if unsure what these terms mean), his driving was akin to the flying skills of an Garuda pilot. I counted at least three occasions where Captain Stig tried to crush cars in adjacent lanes. There was also the bizarre incident where he stopped behind a ute on the hard shoulder of the M5. Ute bloke then picked up a dead pigeon from the back of his ute, throwing it into the middle of the M5. El Capitano de Stig then pulled onto the M5 again, and we were off. This was one of the stranger incidents Ive seen on a RA bus. The only explanation I can think of is that WEW and Marko thought they could smell a smorgasboard, and asked the Stigalicious to pull over.

After taking the Clark Griswald scenic route, we arrived at Brookie at about midday. I know a lot has been said about this hovel in past reviews, but it must be said again. In my view, you can define a true shithole in two ways.

1. By the people who reside/inhabit the area.
2. By the physical characteristics of the area.

This shitpot fails on both counts. I was disappointed to see the locals of the Insular Peninsula hadn’t taken on board my description of them last time (something similar to fat, inbred, swamp donkeys). Whilst the incest and swamp donkey bit may be hard to shake, the protruding sack of fat which extends from the lower abdomen to the upper genital area of many Manly fans surely isnt.

The physical characteristics of the ground also continue to amuse. I still find it amusing for a so-called professional sport, people have to stand on a mud slope to view it. The gradient on the rear of the slope made the trek to the toilet more dangerous than negotiating the Khyber Pass. One of the victims of the Pass was a little lad, who cut himself in the process. The lad sprinted off when one RA member said Come here little boy, I want to help you. Garry Glitter has since been deported from Australia.

Anyway, everyone knows what happened in the game. The Raiders played a good five minutes, and Des Haslers side got away with the two points. Everyone trudged back to the bus, and we were on our way home.

This was an interesting bus trip home. While the bus did have a plastic throne at the rear, it was obviously not ready for the onslaught of gypsy kisses that RA members were going to inflict on it. Within an hour, it was filled to the brim, until WEW realised there was a flush peddle on the side of it (he was still trying to figure out how a lolly machine works). However, this was only a temporary reprieve. An unfortunately placed crack on the side of the throne began to leak, and soon there was a raging torrent of excreta coursing down the middle of the bus. This stopped anyone from using the toilet to syphon the python or pinch a loaf. Any attempts to flush the toilet were now stymied, as the toilet emitted a mist of piss and stench whenever it was flushed. Luckily Brave Stig pulled over, and emptied the chemical toilet into Sydneys water catchment area.

After this was done, the party was on again. WEW and his mate (a lardy version of David Howell), came down the back and joined the party. The songs were being belted out, and everyone was having a great time, except Marko. As usual, Marko had a number of ditties dedicated to him, including Nothing sweet about Marko, Markos got a chub and Thats what you get for waking up in Marko. Unfortunately the RA cocktail (piss, blood, beer) was now covering most of the floor of the bus. This didn’t concern some, and the songs continued to come.

The now shitpot on wheels finally arrived back at Kingston at 10pm. Another funny, but ultimately worthless expedition to see the Raiders have their pants pulled down, and someone do the nasty to them.

Anyway, next week the Raiders take on the Storm in Canberra. Lets hope the Raiders win, inshallah, we need it.

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